Monday, October 12, 2009

Unwanted Realizations

It's funny how you wake up one day and realize, those closest to you really have no clue as to who you are. Suddenly, every action is mis-read, suddenly, you realize that because of your limited ability to verbally say what you want to say, those with the knack of yelling and screaming at the drop of a hat, get away with murder. Suddenly, the one you thought was your salvation and the only respite sent from heaven, is the last one you'd ever be able to talk to about anything of the slightest importance. You realize that they are un-reliable, painfully, you try to re-assemble what little sense of unity you have, but disdainfulness smacks you right in the face. It becomes your fault that you asked for support in the first place. Because support they will, but on their own sweet time. And if you don't have the time or the energy to wait for this person to wake up and complete the request they promised they will do for you, you become the evil-one full of insolence for not having the patience to wait ten days for a task that was promised would be completed 15 days ago. You become wrong for wanting help and you become wrong for not being able to wait while this person lives their life at the pace that they want to. You become wrong for wanting some order in the chaos that everyday life always is. You become wrong for ensuring everything is in order, you become wrong for wanting to live in normal surroundings for once, you become wrong for wanting some resemblance of a loving happy family that you always craved for, you become wrong for not delaying, you become wrong to stand up for your own self. You start wishing for wanting out of the whole lot of misery, but the minute you wish that, you become wrong for that as well. Then, morning comes, and you choke with pain as you realize that life will never be the same again. She is different from you and wants to be her own. Perhaps you were wrong to expect after all, but with that, you also realize, that just to keep the sanity of everyday life, you must not let anyone dictate the joys or sorrows of your life. If they want to live their life the way they want to, let them be; you must live your life too. And who knows, someday, you'll muster enough resources to finally live your own life, where you will make decisions based on yourself, not on what others do or don't do. And as hard as it will be, you must find the gall to walk out and build your own life- someday.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Viva La Vacation :-)

Sometimes, doing the usual keeps you grounded. Keeps you from fearing the unknown and wondering about the what if's. Sometimes, you hold back- thinking time will replace everything you've wished for and make it happen one fine day. And sometimes, ever so often, wisdom and common-sense gets drilled into you, courtesy people who happen to care for you through ages and eons. And those tiny steps take you through the beginning of what you hope will bring glimpses of smiles that you've repressed for the longest time.
And so began a journey, accompanied by a soul sister an her beloved. I came across two best-friends whose constant chatter could only be described akin to that of a husband and a wife!!! But they were cute to watch :-) A few moments were spent basking in the heat and glory of all that personifies nature. It also marked several firsts for my tired soul. And somewhere, just a little bit, I learnt, for a few moments to let go of my controlling nature and just BE.
I also realized that the sea can truly hypnotize... calling out those secret yearnings that you tried so desperately to believe you'd managed to push far away into the dark corners of your soul. and that's more than enough for the writer in me to conjure a gazillion words.
A vacation can be wonderful in so many different ways. But it also brought me painfully closer to the fact that no one will fend for you but you yourself. I knew this before hand of course. But re-iteration has it's own effect. Not to mention, coming across people who conveniently sweet-talked their way into dumping me on the dirtier and wetter side of the already ill-equipped upper bunk of a
claustrophobia-inducing, suffocating and stomach-churning bus ride back home. Lord knows none of us are EVER going to use " SEABIRD" bus services again. But all said and done, the trip was wonderful. Can't wait for more of these. The mess that we call everyday life makes these little capsules of joy all the more precious.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Belief-Disbelief

Ever so often, there comes a moment where you feel like you're tip-toeing across un-chartered waters. The moment tempting you to let your feet or in my case- a computer screen let you fall into the waters that your subconscious knows will only leave you sinking quicker than you can say quick-sand. Of course most of this has got to do with my own sense of not being able to accept the truth and it's ramifications for the last 4 years. Sometimes, it becomes easier not to think about what is so obviously staring you hard in the face and making your soul squeeze in pain that you'd never-ever wish upon another, no matter how despicable they are. But ever so often, you find yourself slipping back into what is so obviously a natural human tendency for suspicious curiosity. And then, the moment of truth arrives and you find yourself longing to see proof of what you already suspected. Who knew something like facebook would one day be the cynosure for all those vampires reeking from the foulness of their predatory fangs. The computer screen moves and I am faced with what I knew all along: That unspoken symbols of dis-trust are far stronger than spoken words of reluctant and indignant denial. You realize that some one can throw a line about wanting to adopt baby to do their part in being good and helping the world; and as much as someone else denies they aren't impressed- the secret pangs of attraction do their part and they find themselves falling into the socially accepted form of friendship- only because that is the only false route they can take before they each dance the much wanted song of desire. The little pokes soon could turn into amorous mid-night cat calls. Oh yes. She knows how to play- and though you claim to see through 'em all- you still in your very typical sense of apathy, fall for everything that you claimed to abhor. And the ignorant upholder is left on the sidelines, wondering why she ever took the pains to find out if the clouds of pretentious affections had won or not. Cause you know she did. They all do.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Retractable Absolutions

Basking in the heat of light,
Raven thought the time was right.
Freedom comes, in ones and twos,
Unknown, she opened the bag of woes.

Steady now, feet off the ground,
Maybe this second time around,
Wings tormented, yet at flight,
Only tempest knew her plight.

Slowly, unattached, wings stretched across,
Time-lines, unawares, were crossed.
Imprints though etched on sand,
Far away, she found a land.

Different this from that before,
Raven thought this time she’d be sure.
No longer believing in attachments,
Raven thought she’d executed detachment.

The truth, like seven inches of pain,
Shards of self esteem, tossed in vain.
Along came the foe disguised as friend,
The mirror jumped to reflect the trend.

The Raven now left alone to admit,
The cage’s accusations deemed fit.
Faithless, The Raven walked back alone,
The cage, in her vision, a comfort zone.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

LAzybones

There's something to be said about that lot of people who find life's pleasures doing nothing significant in the house whatsoever. Their sole purpose is to sit back and relax. They also seem to live for nobody but themselves. I'm still trying to understand whether to slap them hard into reality ( in case you haven't noticed, your world is without hassle cause people like ME work horses hours without a second for ME TIME, while you graze from the infinite pool of self indulgence!! HMPF!!) or will I be better off emulating a thing or two from these strange creatures. Lord knows I've tried every trick in the book- from the good old bribe( what's a few sweat and tears for a quick buck eh?), to the magic of emotionally blackmailing them to see the whole point!!!. Nothing works. Hello... Sistah single-handedly doing all menial house hold jobs... anyone out there??? I best not speak anything, for I am wont of the wrath of the evil one... She bellows when I so much as speak.... One screech from the evil one is enough to fill a bucket of my ill- required and less appreciated tears!! At last you are left with the silent yet indignant sense of pride( YES, I did EVERYTHING!!!). But that hardly lasts a few minutes. Haven't you heard? Dust is clogging up the ventilation. Time to miss yet another couple of hours of sleep. Wait? do I even know what that feels like? The body swings into action- almost on auto-pilot. The face may or may not relay whats going on behind the mask of serenity. It all depends on what the God of all mood swings desires. Ooh Mariah's playing on my I-pod. That gives me an extra few minutes to stop mopping around(wait, did I actually admit that I mope??!!) While she tells me how Obsessed a certain foul mouthed stringer of insinuating lyrics is, I scrub away; almost delighted at the demeaning task of rinsing that glass someone else drank out of 3 days back. But before long, the song is over and you realize you are indeed not backstage at her concert, but right here, on earth, in the midst of the dirt you played no part in creating. The finger raises to wipe a greasy ( eeewwwwuu) forehead, resigned to the fact that this is your fate as long as you are the silent pall-bearer of those screams of resentment and unfair treatment that somehow die in your throat because the lazy one won't stop to think twice before she acrimoniously puts you right back in your place- Hey.. you choose to keep the place clean. I didn't ask you to do it!!!
And so the beast speaks.... Hey, Garbage bags to be thrown out.....Anybody listening- asks the voice inside me- Off we go again SISTEROBOT!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Raven's Repression

The heart squeezes;
Time has stood still.
Was 4 years that long ago?
Waiting, quietly by the window sill.

Seems like only yesterday,
The heart beat leaps and bounds.
Unbeknownst, it lay as bate;
Not knowing of its tested fate.


Half-truths tried untying the blinds of faith;
But shackles of enchantment formed an invisible cage.
The Raven, alas! Didn’t see;
Blind faith always leads to misery.


At first, poor Raven felt safe.
Skeletal wings found shelter,
Memory of tempest all but fades.
The cage, she believed was to protect her.


Bearers of forbidden words;
Banished before they uttered a curse.
Unwilling, was the Raven to believe;
At the truth, she knew her heart would burst.


Slowly though, resilience changed;
With resistance, not much was gained.
Still, cobwebs had made their way;
Covering vision and thoughts to the world’s dismay.


Soon; though not soon enough;
Raven ran out on her share of luck.
The cage no longer seemed real,
Freedom almost felt surreal.


Reflecting back she couldn’t find;
Precisely when she’d lost her mind.
The cage controlled the Raven’s thoughts;
Paralyzed wings now accustomed to her lot.

Craving sunlight, craving day;
The Raven: bitter cage’s insignificant prey.
No longer able to speak her mind,
Always afraid, another he’d find.


Realization crept near;
Un-requited; yet so dear.
The open sky beckons;
Raven, weighing options reckons.



The cage is but a life of oppression;
Freedom of speech and thought mere objections.
Must lonely Raven re-capture the sky?
Or will stifling cage continue to let her die?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Contrarieties of Friendship

I just watched a few episodes of one of my favorite reality TV shows "The Hills". And it got me thinking. What makes women behave the way they do when it comes to the men in their lives? And why do so many friendships between women dissolve when there is a man involved. Sometimes it's because the object of both their affections is the same man. But instead of finding strength in each other, the friendship falls apart.Then there are those, who, after years of being what they now call BFF's cannot be in the same room with each other because the air is cloaked with deception & lies. The age old affliction of a friend secretly making very manipulated moves on her friend's suitor and then living in denial.
So two friends who could never imagine their lives without each other, are now suddenly at logger heads- possibly for a man who doesn't want either of them!
Sometimes, women defend the men in their lives with such conviction, that strong friendships turn capricious & fickle- like what happened on the TV show "The Hills". Sometimes, a friend believes the other half doesn't care for the friendship anymore, because one of them has a mate and the other doesn't.
Such vagaries seem childlike. and yet, this happens all the time.
Why is that such seemingly soulful bonds snap like crackers at the first sign of a man? Some say this happens because the foundation is not strong enough & a little change of weather causes all sorts of disasters. Perhaps this is true. Viewed from the outside, this behavior seems baffling. And yet, is oft repeated. All modern friendships at least, resound with the unspoken aphorism- "We love each other, as long as she doesn't take what's mine".
Arguments can be found aplenty; while everyone believes they want to follow whats good and right, the scales can tip either ways. Is it right for a friend to cross the boundaries and dip into the water's of what's clearly not her's? Is it wrong for someone to go after what they truly want just because someone else wants it too? Is it wrong for a friend to feel torn up when facing this situation? Or will it only seem right if the aggrieved one let's go of the hurt and betrayal for the sake of friendship?
At the offset, most women want to believe that they are above & beyond such anti-social graces, but reality seems a far cry from this belief.
The dream is to see women rise above such frivolities, to find strength in their relationships with each other, as confidantes,stronger than the rocks of Gibraltar, ready to face everything the world throws at them- together. Without Malice and with purity empowering the very souls of what they were truly meant to be- Kindred spirits.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I see right through you!!

Wonder how many of us have had at least one of these people in our lives... Those quiet shy ones, always afraid the world will see who they really are- scared & insignificant. They get their identity from you.... it's like they align themselves to the one they admire the most at the moment.. and pretty soon they jump ships and it's a new identity all over again.. Their claim to their own sense of self is derived from feasting on the left overs of those they admire. But soon, admiration turns to envy... it's not just enough to do things the way you do.. or dress the way you do.. or sound the way you sound.... they start wanting the same things you want too...the same career, the same effect on people.... and it doesn't stop there. No way! It's not enough that they want to be you or want the same things you do- they begin resenting you for the very same reasons they hitched a ride on your bandwagon in the first place!! They begin snooping.. tip-toeing & while the world still thinks them innocent, they manage to get inside you skin & turn what you thought was your life- upside down... and the best part- they always get away with it!!! Like it was your fault you let them in cause you felt sorry for them..
So what works? Confrontation? nope, they'll turn the tables right back at you before you can say OBSESSED. Try & help them? Only if your ok with being lied to for the rest of your life & be ok with the charade of pretense they'll keep up till the end of existence.An emotionally & spiritually draining experience if i ever saw one... Cut them out of your life? Not unless your ok with abandoning someone who's clearly in need of so much help... Almost like Catch 22 at it's peak.
But you know what.. I've come to learn & gladly accept- that no matter what- no matter how this person parades themselves to the world, no matter who believes this person or doesn't.. They'll never be ME. I don't claim to be the best example of a human being- but there's a limit to the falsification of self based on another. It's as simple as that.... and someone up there's keeping scores... you may fool the world, but you'll never fool me & the man upstairs.... Karma's a Bummer!!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Michael Jackson- A Tribute ( August 29th 1958- June 25th 2009)

Michael Jackson- A name that brings to mind varied images of music & talent & unlikely newspaper headlines... But he was more than that.. He was more than just the king of pop.. The emotions are overwhelming...A soul who lived most of his life feeling lonely.. and mis-understood... needing to be loved & appreciated & understood...... The world never let him just be.....And perhaps that's what this life was meant to be... A life so significant perhaps as if to give strength to those who doubted....
I've spent countless hours listening to my family members tell me how even when I was a mere one year old toddler.. I'd jump up & down as soon as I heard Michael's songs or videos.... And that sums up the effect that this man has had on people. In the days of VCR's, my father had recorded countless hours of Michael Jackson's footage and we'd watch it together, happy just to see the immense talent that this person exhibited.

The world is probably looking for words to express the emotion of losing the king of pop...but Michael has been through a lot..and who even knows the extent of pain that he went through-except him....
Michael you have been an inspiration.... you are a legend.... a star in every sense... I hope your soul finds it's way to true love, peace & happiness..
I never knew you personally.... but there's always been a sense of affinity towards you.. maybe because sometimes the songs sung within the soul is heard across time.. perhaps.... Rest in peace Michael...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Destiny Vs. Free-Will

People cringe when I talk about destiny.. That everything we all experience is pre-ordained.. And truly, there are two sides to it... some argue that free-will makes the world what it is... and I suppose that's true as well. Free-will lets us choose what we want to do & what we eventually end up doing, but I wonder; how do we even come up to that point of deciding? I heard someone say, you believe what you need to believe to make peace with yourself.... some may believe that destiny decides what course of action this life takes. It makes it easier to deal with painful incidents.. like no matter what you could have done.. a certain event would've occurred non the less...It's easier to take hits this way. But there's some who believe that life is what you make of it... everything here is your decision & even when you're in the middle of murky waters, you have the power to change it. These people seem to be great at picking & going at life with great gusto time & again... and it seems like a nice place to be in.. to never let anyone or anything pull you down & "settle". Then there are those, who believe in neither, but will falsely align themselves to either one.. just to please whoever they're wanting to please...
And me? hmmm.. personally I believe life is a mix of destiny and free-will.. meaning, life may take a certain pre-ordained path, but free-will lets you choose how destiny pans put.... I'll talk more about this soon..

Friday, June 19, 2009

Un-chartered Skies

Often there's mile stones we come across,
definitive curves of destiny,
shaping the wounds the soul bares.
arking you; much like the territorial nature of animals;
scarring the core that seems to be you.

T'was long ago it was..
the raven had set soar.
Clipped as they were- the wings,
yet foolishly grew hope within.
Un-chartered skies- un-seeing eyes
met the tempest at it's prime.
Foolishly poor raven believed;
tempest carried her soul within.

HALF-TRUTHS

Once Upon a time, she cried, fearful;
fair weather was but a mask,
reveling in the vines of half-truth;
They spoke in whispers,
Unaware, enchanted, envious...

The wind mocked the Raven;
It knew & thrived on the nector the vines of half-truth expelled;
It mocked the raven's misery.
The raven caged, yet un-sheltered..
feathers flaying...
she lay exposed while the wind mocked.

The truth, known yet unknown...
mile-stones remembered, cherished
and consumed all alone.

The paradoxical journey of this soul,
Alone, yet exposed..
The mocking wind, a companion as seen by the envious world;
The tears still remain hidden;
masked by fair-weather,
carried away by the mocking wind forever.

FOR THE LOVE OF DOGS!!


The picture really does say it all. Funny, Outrageous (no, not the song!), adorable, seemingly clever & perhaps the only living beings in the world who know the power of what a puppy face & a melt-worthy look can do to a poor, unsuspecting human heart… Brace yourself people, you’re in for one hell of a trip!!!! Welcome to the world of animals.

They come in all sorts of sizes, but the one thing they know how to do is have their way, hands down, 100%. And you can’t really blame them; it’s those droopy soulful eyes that beseech you to do as they want!! Anyone who has a pet at home knows what I’m talking about!

They can walk around the house like they own it (and to be honest with you, they do!) cuddle next to you when they want (key word: WHEN THEY WANT) and demand for food and walks like nobody’s business. Got a favorite couch? Fuh-get-about-it.. Your pet takes it while you stand and watch. Want to eat in peace? Not until you give him a bite of what you’re eating. Oh wait.. Two bites.. No lets make that three… and before you know it, he’s eating the plate right off your hands.
Ah- ha! The TV! Your pet doesn’t even know what a TV is. Hehehehehe.. There’s one thing your pet can’t stop you from doing.. REALLY?? Think again my friend.. See that little face that parked himself right in front of the TV?? Yup, that’s your pet… how dare you watch TV when you could be doing other useful things, for example take me for a nice long walk outside….
Remember those lazy Sundays, where you just feel like sleeping in late, huddled under the blanket? Not for long!!! A big paw with sharp toenails punches you on your face.. Reminding you that it’s a beautiful day outside and he/she needs to go for the much-waited walk. “How could you not? I’ve been waiting for you to wake up all night!!” And reluctantly you drag yourself out of bed.. Put on the leash and out you go.. But all your grumpiness fades away when you watch your pet happily chasing after early morning butterflies and birds…. Until an earth-shattering shriek breaks your reverie: he’s bitten the neighbor again…. Time to start apologizing profusely for something that was not your fault in the first place!!!
But as tiresome as all of this seems, it adds more value to that speechless being that we can ever imagine…. And in return you get un-conditional, un-matched compassion, which is sometimes more than you can get from most human beings caught up in their own web of emotions. No matter what kind of person you are.. no one else would ever greet you at your front door the way a pet does.

And for most of us who can’t have a pet at home for various reasons, I encourage all of you to at least adopt a stray on the road.. You don’t need to invite him home.. But you can give him love and compassion. You can treat the animal well… a kind word won’t get you to lose anything… for all the time and money you spend eating at the local tuck shop or bakery, share some of the goodies with these animals… they will always remember your kindness…. And if you feel like buying them food id too much to handle, at least watch out for them.. Don’t let anyone mis-treat them. Don’t kick them out of your way.. They may not be able to speak, but they sure can feel and their eyes will tell you a story….. You just need to listen….

SHELVES

Borrowed time, borrowed space,
Even this body deemed mis-placed.
No right, no fights,
Tears seem the only base.
Always afraid,
So afraid to speak.
The mind now believes thoughts are but flashes from a dream.


Afraid of what? The warrior asks.
Afraid of the world, the soul remarks.
Afraid to speak on it’s own behalf.
What numbs this mind, some might think-
Oblivious as her world sinks
Un-canny resemblance at arms length
Creepers crawl, within-without,
Leaves her drowning in shadows of doubt.


Outbursts too, like broken flames.
Outwards fierce, but inside tame.
Clouds forming within,
Dousing flames, chances slim.
Left alone, it curls within.
Licking walls bereft of self,
The ashes fall-
Book cases forming apt shelves.

THE DANCE

Shadows fall, through fissures;
Wounds old but new.
Everlasting, all pervading;
A falcon’s cry; the storm puts pressure.


Strange song & dance this;
Joyous to the naked eye,
Blinding those reasoned to bliss.
But the wind knows-
The truth; in the Falcon’s cry- bellows.



The path Walked before,
Memories from eons ago.
Like leaves, feathered touch;
Like thorns, her signature cut.


The tempest blew, carried all away,
The eye was calm; dark as night- the falcon swayed.
Did she watch her hapless prey?
Suffering, turning- no escape.


And so the dance carried on-
Shortly joined by another;
Wild, exotic, evil,
Falsely warm.

QUESTIONS

What is pain?
Darkened corners of heightened pleasure.
Road trips, nor time to measure.
What is time?
With heartened soul, stirring,
Churning; all within.

Streets within, blackened,
Charcoal snow…
Lights beaming; outside-within.
Shivers; nimble soul;
Is it now or was it then?
Is the wait over? Or did it just begin?
Clueless; sometimes grasping….

Years fold, unfold..
Uneasy, easy, empty full..
Lost in time, or time lost within?
Spaces, walls open fields…
The mirror reflects;
You, them, her or she;
Little barrels- boned-
Stand alone; rainfall across the street.

Is that me or you within?
Waiting, shifting, changing, constant.
Realities, truth, cover-up resonant.
My truth is your make-believe.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The hardest First Steps to an awakening

t's a strange feeling... There are few times in your life that you come across people that you feel immediately connected to.. like they add music to the song your soul's been singing.... a soul connection that you think will last forever. Soon you become soul sisters.. never once imagining that a few years down the line, this very connection would cause unimaginable grief. You try reasoning, you try not getting caught up in your own web of neediness & sense of betrayal.... you even convince yourself that you're doing what you are, only to help this person wake up from the clout of lies she's spun for herself and yet... it all fails.... You begin to feel like the term "Friendship" is overrated.....The blame game begins on the outside.. while on the inside, the turbulence is so powerful that you start looking for some answers.. any answers...could this be a karmic connection? Maybe this soul was supposed to walk into your life for something specific then walk out... and you struggle to find out what that purpose is.....And the whole time, you wonder how she could walk around.. oblivious to the pain and conflict within you....
It takes a kindred soul or two to wake you into realization.... There is only so much you can do..... at some point you've got to think about what's good for you & what's toxic.....perhaps you want to cling on for the hope that a friendship of 9 years won't fall apart for those million crazy , insignificant reasons. But then you recognize the debilitating features of this toxic relationship... You want to stay & help..... but the ship has sunk.. you just got knocked out so hard that the stars blocked your vision...And for the sake of your peace & sanity.. you're faced with the unimaginable task of letting go... perhaps this is how you make a fresh start.. perhaps new beginnings & awakenings don't happen till you take that first step and perhaps the first step really is to cut away from anyone & anything that builds negativity...Perhaps, this is how the new chapter begins.