Unwanted Realizations

It's funny how you wake up one day and realize, those closest to you really have no clue as to who you are. Suddenly, every action is mis-read, suddenly, you realize that because of your limited ability to verbally say what you want to say, those with the knack of yelling and screaming at the drop of a hat, get away with murder. Suddenly, the one you thought was your salvation and the only respite sent from heaven, is the last one you'd ever be able to talk to about anything of the slightest importance. You realize that they are un-reliable, painfully, you try to re-assemble what little sense of unity you have, but disdainfulness smacks you right in the face. It becomes your fault that you asked for support in the first place. Because support they will, but on their own sweet time. And if you don't have the time or the energy to wait for this person to wake up and complete the request they promised they will do for you, you become the evil-one full of insolence for not having the patience to wait ten days for a task that was promised would be completed 15 days ago. You become wrong for wanting help and you become wrong for not being able to wait while this person lives their life at the pace that they want to. You become wrong for wanting some order in the chaos that everyday life always is. You become wrong for ensuring everything is in order, you become wrong for wanting to live in normal surroundings for once, you become wrong for wanting some resemblance of a loving happy family that you always craved for, you become wrong for not delaying, you become wrong to stand up for your own self. You start wishing for wanting out of the whole lot of misery, but the minute you wish that, you become wrong for that as well. Then, morning comes, and you choke with pain as you realize that life will never be the same again. She is different from you and wants to be her own. Perhaps you were wrong to expect after all, but with that, you also realize, that just to keep the sanity of everyday life, you must not let anyone dictate the joys or sorrows of your life. If they want to live their life the way they want to, let them be; you must live your life too. And who knows, someday, you'll muster enough resources to finally live your own life, where you will make decisions based on yourself, not on what others do or don't do. And as hard as it will be, you must find the gall to walk out and build your own life- someday.

Viva La Vacation :-)

Sometimes, doing the usual keeps you grounded. Keeps you from fearing the unknown and wondering about the what if's. Sometimes, you hold back- thinking time will replace everything you've wished for and make it happen one fine day. And sometimes, ever so often, wisdom and common-sense gets drilled into you, courtesy people who happen to care for you through ages and eons. And those tiny steps take you through the beginning of what you hope will bring glimpses of smiles that you've repressed for the longest time.
And so began a journey, accompanied by a soul sister an her beloved. I came across two best-friends whose constant chatter could only be described akin to that of a husband and a wife!!! But they were cute to watch :-) A few moments were spent basking in the heat and glory of all that personifies nature. It also marked several firsts for my tired soul. And somewhere, just a little bit, I learnt, for a few moments to let go of my controlling nature and just BE.
I also realized that the sea can truly hypnotize... calling out those secret yearnings that you tried so desperately to believe you'd managed to push far away into the dark corners of your soul. and that's more than enough for the writer in me to conjure a gazillion words.
A vacation can be wonderful in so many different ways. But it also brought me painfully closer to the fact that no one will fend for you but you yourself. I knew this before hand of course. But re-iteration has it's own effect. Not to mention, coming across people who conveniently sweet-talked their way into dumping me on the dirtier and wetter side of the already ill-equipped upper bunk of a
claustrophobia-inducing, suffocating and stomach-churning bus ride back home. Lord knows none of us are EVER going to use " SEABIRD" bus services again. But all said and done, the trip was wonderful. Can't wait for more of these. The mess that we call everyday life makes these little capsules of joy all the more precious.